A Snowy Day

From Snowy Day

I want to write down my experience last Sunday. Although it was not my first snowy winter, it was my very first time driving on snow (literally). Background: We had 4-6 inches snow overnight, which itself was not particular bad. I had experienced 4-6 inches snow in an hour. Some even told me they had experienced worse. But it was my first time winter driving experience.

Of course, you can imagine, my dark blue car had put a thick white jacket on that morning. (I should have taken pictures!!!) I wiped off the snow and warmed up the car. But then, since i left for church early (around 8.30am), the property management did not remove the snow on the traffic road yet. So, I drove on snow, a snowy white road. Pretty funny.

Actually, it was not very funny once I got out of the apartment complex. The traffic road was not completely cleared up, still had some snow and ice. And the lines were covered so it was hard to determine whether the car is within a lane. I believed I had several times stepping on the line. Everybody seemed to just follow the car ahead. Besides, there was still some snow on my windscreen. Visibility was low. Of course, I drove slowly. Such condition was already very challenging for a new driver like me.

The most scary part: my car skidded! It happened when I was making a left turn. I lost control of the car for a few seconds. The steering wheel seemed to turn in the way it like. My immediate reaction was to get hold of it. When I got it under control again, my car was already on the left lane. Fortunately, there was no car on the left lane, or behind me.

You can also imagine, skid is not something uncommon here. That morning, several of my friends had experienced skids. And I am told, there are more to come.

Now I am reading from the internet about winter driving. For the record, the weather here is not that bad, we have been around 20-30F. Compared to our folks in Austin TX, where the city was shut down after days of ice storm, we are pretty good right here.

Pete

Do you know where is Bargram, Afghanistan? It is where my good friend, Pete, is now. He serves in the Air Force and was deployed over there 1 week ago.

Pete is my good friend from Austin. He was a junior when we met--we were in the operation management class. We became friends almost immediately and naturally. That summer, we went to Chicago (my very first time) where his brothers and sister lived. I remember we jogged on some "random" streets and we walked along the Lake. I guess I got to love Chicago since then.

When I told him I was going to UIUC for doctoral work, he told me that UIUC is just 15-min away from where his mom lives. Nice surprise. So after I came here, I actually went to his mom's house twice, when he was visiting. The first time was my first-ever Thanksgiving. I got to know his mom. Then was during his long road trip from Florida to Idaho. He finished his training in Pensacola, FL and moved base to Boise, ID. He drove by IL to see his family. It was during the Spring of 2006.

His younger brother came back from Iraq during the past Thanksgiving after a one-year deployment, now is his turn. I cannot help but thinking of their mom, who is such as kind and warm lady. Wish him and his family all the best.

張宏艷 • 馬家輝

張宏艷
在這個假期裡，一口氣讀了張宏艷的《再見女主播》。張宏艷剛畢業在有線電視當主播，沒多久便對主播工作產生很多疑問和失望。她於是到日本求學希望脫離主播台和新聞圈，但求學期間的閱歷及後來的反省卻令她看見新聞工作的價值。書的副題是《離開是要為了再回來的風景》——她看見主播台前台後更好的風景。

我後來分別跟不同的朋友談起這本書。張宏艷在序言提到，書的每一章像是關於對主播行業的「常見問題」的。其中有記述她如何克服說廣東話的障礙，和學習做訪談節目等等。這本書確實使我更了解主播行業，但我更加喜愛的是文中種種滲透出來的一種真誠。我看見一個對生命對世界認真的人，以及這個人不斷的更新突破。我對書中一幕印象尤深：張宏艷在日本學習，意識到自己對世界的認識非常膚淺，於是向自己的導師問怎樣才能成為有學識的人。我幻想當時她必是因為自己的無知而激動。

馬家輝
最近思考「集體回憶」這個課題，在網上閱讀一些香港人的網誌。無心遊蕩之下碰到馬家輝的Blog。我對馬家輝認識很少，只偶爾讀到他在明報寫的專欄，記得他一兩篇文章。他在Blog上寫得隨心，多是生活感興。我像讀張宏艷的《再見女主播》一樣，一口氣讀了很多篇。

很喜歡他的文字像圖畫，讀起來彷彿看見影像。或是記重慶街頭，或是記賭場所見，都是一幕又一幕的人間風景。他也喜歡記述有關於他女兒的瑣事，只短短數行，卻足見一位父親的幸福。從他的筆下看見世界大千也看見人情。（我不禁問）人活了好幾十年怎麼好像沒有因生活和世態而苦澀？

﹣﹣﹣﹣﹣﹣﹣

為什麼喜歡讀這類文章呢？再三思想之後明白是好奇心作祟。不是對名人私事的好奇，而是對世界和思想的好奇。差不多的事物從不同人眼中看出不一樣的風景，想知道從他們的眼睛看的世界如何。當然我是偏愛看美好的正面的，就像我偏愛看輕鬆愛情電影一樣。我不是逃避世間的不幸和醜陋，只是隨處所見經已很足夠了吧！

越來越仰慕文人，他們學識淵廣通文學歷史政治，且能用文字帶領讀者經歷他們的所思所見。我小時不喜歡讀課外書，現在也不可算是愛書之人，著名的作家詩詞小說通通不懂（說來慚愧）。雖然做研究也可勉強算是以寫作為生，但我相信我沒指望成為飽讀詩書的文人的了。

Tiramisu Party

Tiramisu seemed to be the most-favored dish of the night.

To celebrate the end of Winter break(!), Koman and I made a dinner and invited Tiffany, Elizabeth, Issac, Jacky, and George to come over.

We had two appetizers: blue cheese & pear tartlets and mushroom spread (served with baguette). The appetizers tasted good and were a good kickoff of the dinner.Then, we had chicken cordon bleu. I think it is a rather complicated chicken dish. Thanks Koman for being in charge of that. I cannot imagine touching raw meat. (i was not afraid of doing that but developed this "sentiment" unconsciously...) We also had potatoes tuna pie. To go with the dishes, we had a drink made of grapefruit juice, ginger ale, and cinnamon.


Dessert time! We had tiramisu and it was surprising great. George was our guest-of-honor and he had tiramisu in a measuring cup. Very creative, huh?

I actually bought a bottle of brandy for making the tiramisu. I had never tried brandy before. Brandy is actually strong (40% alc. content) but sweat. Very tempting. To prevent me from drinking the brandy, Koman and I plan to make brandy dishes in our future gathering.

Some thoughts about tenure

It might be due to the sunny morning, I start feeling better today.

I talked with professor N, whose tenure clock is up this semester. But N never let tenure be a life/death thing and never let tenure be the purpose for research. Working together for over 1 year, our conversation seldom relate to tenure and publications. We spent hours debating contributions of our research, designing studies, analyzing data. We both think research is a fun thing to do. And the process is enjoyable despite that our project is not going anywhere so far.

I admire N very much. N encourages me to seize every learning opportunity now. It is because the time and opportunity to learn is very limited once I become an assistant professor. Assistant professors are expected to publish a number of good papers within (usually) 6 years. The number is no less than 4 for Marketing. I am not sure about Psychology but feel that it should be somehow doubled. "Time constraint + teaching + adjusting to new job/environment" makes learning difficult.

Two years ago, Felix reminded me of protecting my interests for research. He told me not to exhaust it by overworking because it will wilt. Felix's words became a word of wisdom to me. After knowing more about the tenure system, I even think that genuine passion for research needs to be defended. The genuine passion is based on the intrinsic satisfaction derived from learning and growth.

I am not sure if N would get tenure here, but I am sure N will remain happy, and passionate for research.

"Life is bigger than a tenure," N said.


--------------
Thanks Edwin for pointing out that I wrote *cease* every opportunity in an earlier version. What a mistake!

Back to Champaign... (2)

回來後一直不敢給媽媽打電話，怕聽見媽媽的聲音便會哭。今早醒來，不知身在何方。空白的睡房牆壁、灰濛的天色... 即時不知所措哭起來。

上教會後跟朋友吃午飯，然後開車去買東西。在Meijer裏走來走去，腦袋很空洞，像是行屍走肉，對任何東西任何食物都提不起勁。Homesick 和 Jetlag 要負一定責任。

太誇張了吧！經已是第三次回家後再回來。不能想像現在感受到的emotional stress比辛苦工作時的壓力更甚。冷靜一點去想，其實也沒有什麼大不了啊。現在是工作和學習的時候，到下一個假期便再回家。

Back to Champaign...

朋友說回國渡假後的失落感會令他後悔回國。我不回應，但心裡面的失落卻有很大共鳴。

「我又得回到這個空房子了......」我踏進家門時這樣想。然後許許多多的矛盾和胡思亂想充滿腦際。

另一留學加州的朋友說出外讀書是奇異恩典。我很贊同。我滿心感激有這個學習機會。這是近乎奢侈的機會。「這不就是我憧憬的生活嗎？一個人到外國求學，有自己思考和生活的空間，追尋理想...」我應該高興，應該勇往直前。面前有無盡的事務，太多的目標和計劃，讀不完的書，看不完的風景。

跟媽媽妹妹分別很不捨，離開男朋友更是無比的失落。每次回家後都感到 existential threat。「如果不能再見他們任何一個，我會恨自己一輩子... 」在東京跟男朋友分別，他陪我到最後一分鐘，他是飛機上最後上機的乘客。接下來三年多的人生都要與所愛的人相隔七千多里，幻想Attachment Theory 會給我一點解救：「我的attachment style是怎樣？這種別離之苦要受多久... 」當然沒有答案。

但我沒有後悔回家，因為歡欣和離愁是手牽手的雙生兒。我也沒有後悔到這裏讀書，因為別離是這奇異恩典的必然部分。

天下無不散筵席，但願席上人長久。